Flawed and faraway from perfection

i'm forcing myself for pretending that i'm alright. ya. i'm kind of exhausted. Firstly thought that, if i was being bang by a car or a sudden death how good would it be. i'm stress and tired. Forcing myself not to cry in front of my friends. but i just cant. sometimes i really want to become something opposite that people are looking from me now. optimistic? being noisy every time? i can understand what is like to go on the wrong side. becoming like Satan and not an angel. why am i still thinking of other ppl feelings when i'm like this? can say, i wanna run away from it. run away from home. really wanna rather staying happy outside than not coming back to suffer. or even having the urge for not staying this pathetic world. I dun wan say out what happen becos i dun wan hurt them by saying what is going through ytd. I bluffing myself, a fake me. getting attention or even memorial before dying? many times, i want to gave up life. because i'm not in a mood of being a optimistic me, just for the sake of showing them i'm strong and also wants to motivate them instead. i dun have the courage to give up becos, i had the thought of my friends. scare if i had a sudden death, no ones will entertain them or help them. No matter how much stress and scolding i had from my parents or friends, i still cant bear to leave them. ya. i'm fearful, i might just die like this, maybe is so sudden that i dun have the chance to tell my thoughts and gratitude to my friends. especially my sisters. is a pity for me rite? i had lost my appetite everyday, someday, i will faint of gastric. or might even suffer of depression. but from the optimistic side, that can help me lose weight. sorry for posting this in my blog, but that's the only place of complain, the place where i wanna pour out. Just stressful for being myself. forgive me for me being like this. anyway, good luck and study hard to those having exams.