thanks to an advisor, i learnt something. yeah. i was dependent of friends thats y makes alot misunderstanding and problems. hmmm.but nw, it doesnt matter how friends misunderstand me and how i tried to explain. cos their mindset cant adapts with mine. i jus wanna say, only best friends will no grumble out and say out the word thankyou when i'm thankful to you. it seems u doesnt understand me much. if so u just wanna hear that word, it just as if it was just like a normal friend who says thankyou and not as special and unique as a best friends. cos best friends uses feelings to say. seems like u had changed alot. is not i dun wanna to get close back with you.

alot of friends also done so much for me, but i also nv say out face to face thankyou to them. cos they know in my heart i'm alrdy thankful. so be it anot, believe anot is up to you.

a one week friend also know what's friendship, he treated the whole team kfc cos he quited. i wanted do that to every friends, everyday bring out a freind to play and eat and the person doent need to pay a single cent. but i dunno have the money to afford. but if i said that i wanna treat that person means i mean it. dun compare. i always have a reason behind for whatever things i do. you might not see from the outside of the conversation thats y u assume. i also nv say i dun cherish you. did i?

i felt so lucky

actually i'm normal but becos of that stupid father i lost my mood again. stupid! i bear~ just bear! think of friends can le.

i learnt alot of values again. thanks to alot of ppl. :) my new supervisor super strong! salute him! my dear sis panda also! thank you for being so understanding for certain secret we had. i cant bear to leave this shop. but is the path i wanna choose and pursue. i'm thankyou that u praise me for having the potential as my buddy. :) i appreciate alot. i also learnt that actually i'm lucky to meet them. :) thanks for the kfc today.

sorry

i wanna apologize for what i said and did. thank you for giving a chance to speak out everything in my heart today. i know what's wrong with me already. to joey, i wanna say that that tym one of them gave black face when i said i wanna go home. Cos he like so pissed till i like spoil the day. i'm sorry for that previous post. ya. i needa gain the respect of you and respect you as a friend.

to heat, i'm sorry to neglect you. sometimes i dunno what got into me and turn negative. ur advice is noted. thanks for giving me a chance to answer and listen what i wanna say.

to dine, fang, qh, jh, thanks for the concern. And make sure i said everything out to tell whats wrong with me.

a great bbq today. and i hope i will do something useful of myself and not being that stupid state.

Joey, heat,fang, qh, jh.... sorry. forgive me?

fuck. have u seen a family so emphasize on how much you owned them. and fuck they dunno how much problem i have. then ask me dun go work. they think they my god ah. ask me do this do that. fuckers. i just ask if can give me some money becos i left 5in my wallet. they start grumbling the whole day. say u own me this and that. fuck. i lend from friend and family must see faces. must as well i rather dun eat. and fuck if i say something they started to pick on me. say my room messy, wake me up at 7 to ask this ask that. i'm human not a robot. u think i slept well ytd. wtf. i still was crying ytd. cos i realise i'm still alone. still left out. still fucking stress. act like nothing happen totally cannot. i really fucking tired. i rather dun wan off day. becos i still needa find ppl to go out with me and in the end still see or even hear black faces. i ytd blog another blog. and i'm still crying.i turning into a mute becos i only talk to soft toy that i'm so lonely.

ytd plenty of ppl scolded me to wake up. becos all of this things comes and started from myself. i'm much better nw. hopefully i wont return to that stead again. sorry to everyone. and thank u to alot of ppl who nv give up on me. :)

Went to alot of place. marina barrage, jalan kayu, mount faber, seng kang. sorry i had changed. i start smoking again. ytd quarrel till almost my dad wanna beat me again. felt like killing him. dun feel like going home. really very fuck up. today kena scold twice at workplace again. i dun wanna contact them becos i dun wanna vent my anger and hurt u guys. recently i dunno why i felt so vengeful after all those bad things and burdens. i'm sorry to disappoint u all. but it seems so frustrate to be living nw. i really wanna give up but jumping down the train track. felt so confused. really dunno why i felt friendship hurts me the most and stress makes me felt so whirl and totally not myself.

why is that such a fucker guy? now i know the reason why. i'm really tired. why spoil my happy off day just like that. why is he so bastard? i just wanna make her happy and u just say a sentence and spoilt my friendship with her.

she got new friend now. and i'm nothing already. how happy u will be right? i hate you. i'm really useless that a 2 years friend trust you instead of me. u win! totally i lose and i'm brokedown. i have no friend anymore. i'm always alone. always crying alone. always bearing alone. why i always get misunderstood. work also like that, friends also like that, family also like that. i cant breathe now. i'm really tired of living. really tired to myself.

i'm really useless. why?!!! why are u like that torturing urself? If today he nv said anything, u are back still happy and cheerful. just becos of words~! U just emotionally brokedown. how can u torture urself and nv spare a thought to those who cares abt u?

i'm really tired. becos i'm know u so long le but yet i has been a useless friend who cant even say a thing to cheer u up. i'm really afraid of going work, becos i dun wish to hear u not being alright and suddenly something happened.

suxs. totally sux, at first is family, then work and now the worst part, friend! i breaking down also. becos i'm really stress up.

i'm really exhausted! why am i crying so hurtfully and so suddenly? why i cry just like that. i dunno. i realy dunno. i hate myself. have i really encountered stress now?

Fuck! i hate this home!!! fucking annoying. fcuk fcuk fcuk fcuk! money money money! go die la! die better nobody care me! anyway i'm always alone. no kinship also the same. i wanna be rich. buy own hse, buy a car.

why are guys so flirt? why must ppl be sure they like a person by looking on appearance only? i learnt from you. learnt from a guy who start to cheat a small innocent gal since i was 14. that's why i had nv been serious at all. but when i got serious to another fucker last 2 year, i totally dun believe that just things as 'love'. today after hearing back that guy name again. it reminds me of my stupidness.

i hate work. i hate you. i hate it when i got bullied! i'm stupid!

though i'm struggling, but i'm still contented.

Ytd i cried out loud! stress up and i'm really fcking tired. i wanna sleep but cant get into position. I knew today will be so damn bullied. Ask me pack the whole store de stock! imagine my shop all the clothes times 10! you can understand how i felt? Today when i saw those stocks and clothes lying on the floor i damn piss off, felt like going home straight. so asshole! they purposely de sia. flare up! i slowly tie one by one for 8 hours! u know how painful it will be? especially tying with raffia string!

But with my mind kept thinking of my sis that i'm gonna meet with those uncles i faster rushed. damn peichek! can u believe i didnt smile at all for that 9 hours of work? i wanna meet sis becos i only can let out myself to be truely i am that all close friends know. i enjoyed happily with them. those uncles keep disturbing! faint~

but my dear sis very caring to me, cross road she know i scared then she hold me tight, then when those uncles ask those over qns she straight away object them to say that. really happy! hehe. (: ya. of cos she today damn happy too. hahas.

i just reached home and one uncle send me home by car with joey sis and a vietman boy. hahas. contented although is just a few hours of happiness. i treasure my sisters alot. really! <3 once i let go and put aside work, i will stay happier when a close friend makes me smile. =)

what are striving for?

Typical people living in this fast forward society. By looking at others, i reflect on myself. Spending time more meaningfully rather than staying at the same spot as always. i suddenly thought of joey's and my manager words.

"You will never pursue or even achieve if you just say it without action. if you wanna pursue a good pay and a good life, its your attitude or action that counts."

Just by looking on those passerbyer that took train with me, i realise something that make a principle to myself. I don't wanna to work or live blindly like those ppl that are just repeating their daily work scope to survive and strive work endlessly. They will never be contented, always crave for endless branded goods and always wanna to win others. It is really meaningful or useful?

Believe and ask my heart.

alone.

mentally i wondering i'm always alone. alone having so much debts. mentally i wondered did i live here to be miserable? a home doesnt seems like what's mend to be, burden its what a family is to be. It doesnt matter how they dun understand me, it only matters for them is money. Friends is another issue. What's is a friend for? i find myself so retarded as a friend. Why must friend in need then contact? why cannot stay in contact? In workplace, had beared so much of pressure and scoldings everyday. at home is the same. I just want a peace at home to rest and sleep. but still why must they torture me still. i'm broke down. fall sick is what i gets, running from work, and alone facing so much problems. i'm tired. totally felt that i'm used to be alone.